Should I take them back after they cheated?

You should take someone back after they cheated only if they have done real repair work since, and only if you would still want them on a week when you feel full and connected. If the main thing pulling you toward them is how lonely the evenings have been, that is worth listening to, but it’s a reason to get more company in your life, not necessarily this person back in it.

Is it loneliness, or do I actually want them back?

Picture this. You’re 34. Four months ago you ended things after finding messages between your partner and a coworker. You’ve been mostly okay: work, the gym, dinners with friends. Then on a Sunday night, alone with leftovers and a show you’ve already seen, your phone lights up. “I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. Could we get coffee?” And something in your chest says yes before your head has caught up.

That yes deserves a closer look, because loneliness changes how you see. In a 2009 review, psychologists Cacioppo and Hawkley described how feeling isolated goes along with more negative thinking, extra sensitivity to social threat and a confirmatory bias, a tendency to see what you already expect.1 When you’re lonely, the familiar can start to look safer than it really was.

Feeling worse after a breakup is also simply normal. In a 2011 study of 1,295 unmarried adults aged 18 to 35, Galena Rhoades and colleagues found that a breakup was linked with more psychological distress and lower life satisfaction.2 The drop was bigger for people who had lived together or had marriage plans.2 So the ache you feel is expected. It isn’t, on its own, evidence that you made the wrong call.

Why does going back feel so tempting right now?

Because the conditions for it are almost perfect. When René Dailey and colleagues studied on-again, off-again couples, the reasons people gave for getting back together included disappointing experiences with other partners and a sense that the relationship looked more rewarding after the breakup than before.3 Staying in contact and being unsure what the relationship even was anymore seemed to make reunions easier too.3

If you’ve had a few flat dates lately, or you and your ex have been “just checking in,” you are in exactly that setup.

It’s also common. Sociologists Kristin Turney and Sarah Halpern-Meekin report that nearly half of young adults say they’ve broken up and gotten back together in their current or most recent relationship, with an average of 2.5 rounds.6 Common doesn’t mean wise. It means you aren’t strange for considering it.

And if your tendency is to cling when things end, the pull may be stronger. Research by Stephanie Spielmann, Geoff MacDonald and colleagues with 162 undergraduates found that anxiously attached people who were still single after a breakup tended to stay stuck on the ex, while those who had started seeing someone new were more likely to have let go.4 That doesn’t mean rebound dating is the answer. It does suggest that part of the pull is about the empty space, not the person.

What would have to be true for it to work?

Here’s the research finding most worth knowing before that coffee. In a set of four studies, Luchies, Finkel, McNulty and Kumashiro found that forgiving someone helped people’s self-respect when the person who hurt them had made amends.5 When they hadn’t, forgiving actually eroded self-respect and people’s sense of who they were.5 The researchers called it the doormat effect.5

So the real question isn’t “do I still love them?” It’s “have they made amends?” That tends to look like:

• Owning it specifically. Not “mistakes were made,” but what they did and how it hurt you.
• Changed behavior you can see. Not a promise. Something already different.
• Patience with your pace. They don’t rush you or treat your questions as punishment.
• Repair over time. Weeks and months, not a good conversation.

“I’ve been working on myself” is a start. It isn’t amends yet.

How do I think about it without spiraling?

Before you reply, separate four things:

• What happened. “They cheated. I ended it. Four months later, they asked to meet.”
• Your reading of it. “They’ve changed. They finally realize what they lost.”
• The fear. “If I say no, I’ll be alone for a long time.”
• The next step. Ask what specifically is different now, and decide whether you want to meet after a day, not in the moment.

You can’t know what they intend from one message. You can watch whether what they say matches what they do over time.

If you do decide to try again

Go slowly, and look after your health. The CDC recommends talking honestly with a healthcare provider about which STI tests are right for you, and says women 25 and older with risk factors, such as a partner who has an STI or new or multiple partners, should be tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea every year.7 Getting tested isn’t an accusation. It’s basic care.

And if the hurt, the replaying or the loneliness is constant, intense or getting in the way of sleep, work or friendships, a licensed mental-health professional is the right help. That’s true whether you go back or not.

What to do this week

• Wait a day before answering. Late-night replies are written by the loneliest version of you.
• Fill one evening on purpose. Plan the Sunday that usually gets you. Call someone, go somewhere, have people over.
• Write down the amends you’d need. Specific things. Then see which have already happened.
• Tell your closest friend you’re talking again. If you don’t want to, notice why.
• Picture a full week. If your life felt good, would you still want this? Take that answer seriously.